loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
