I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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