I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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