you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
