I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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