We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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