Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
420 ftw
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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