I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
