You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
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Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
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I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.