Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."