I don't usually arrange sex via text message
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
