i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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