im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
