This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
