Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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