Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
