How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
