Someone shit on the floor
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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