After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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