A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
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Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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