3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
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