Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
