I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
false alarm. still invincible.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
