can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
