You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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