So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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