im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i love accidental penises.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
