True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
