My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
