I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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