There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
