Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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