Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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