I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
