I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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