At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
