You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
