You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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