Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I think I just sharted jello shots
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
