I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
