my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
