he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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