2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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