He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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