Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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