soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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