it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
