When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize