I cockslap morals
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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