Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
