I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
