i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
