Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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