Your face is a jimmy john
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
