He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
