Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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