I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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