i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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