The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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